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From Feat DirectoryCharacters in order of appearance:
Transcript
Diplomat: How much longer to the embassy? Chauffeur: I believe it’ll be around 20 minutes, sir. Huh? The brake’s not working. Diplomat: Hey, you! Up front! Look up front!
WISE Director: One of our diplomats perished in a car accident in Ostania. But we believe it to be an assassination by the East’s far-right political party. They are plotting a war against our nation of Westalis. We must do everything we can to figure out their plan. WISE Higher-Ups: Let’s let him take care of it. The best agent we have. “Twilight.”
Investigator: Here’s the goods I promised. Proof that the foreign minister wears a toupee. I even have the negatives.
“Edgar” (Loid): Well done. Now we can force him to resign. I look forward to doing business with you again.
Edgar: Hey. How about you hand over the goods now? Investigator: Huh? Wha…But you just…
Investigator: He got me! Narrator: Code name: Twilight.
Narrator: A spy. In an era in which the nations of the world were waging a fierce war of information just out of sight, this man survived that battlefield by being a master of disguise, a man with a hundred faces.
Karen: So Daddy’s been in such a bad mood lately because someone stole his toupee pictures, or something. What even? Ugh, I’m so mad. Hello? Are you even listening, Robert? Loid: Hm? Yes, that’s rather unfortunate.
Karen: So, Robert…Do you think one day we’ll also… Loid: Karen, let’s break up. Karen: What?! Loid: I’m afraid I can’t sense any intelligence in your conversations. Karen: Eh? Loid: Farewell. May you find happiness
Karen: Hey, Robert! Wait! You can’t just do that to me! Robert!
Loid (Thinking): Sorry, Karen, but I have no further use for your family. As of tonight, I’m also done with the mask known as Robert.
Loid (Thinking): Marriage? Conventional happiness? I got rid of those aspirations, as well as my identity, the day I became a spy.
Man: Meow.
Loid (Thinking): Must be Cipher C. Train Station Speaker: The train bound for Berlint is now departing from track 5.
Message: Good day, or perhaps, good evening, Twilight. Well done on your last mission. Thanks to you, the minister lived another day, to the great benefit of our country. Now, then, I have your next mission. Your target is the leader of the National Unity Party, Donovan Desmond.
Message: He is a great threat to the truce between the East and the West. Your mission is to get close to him and probe any seditious activities. In order to achieve this, you will get married and have a child.
Loid: *coughs* Sorry, what?! Message: Desmond is an extremely cautious man who rarely appears in public. He only appears at social gatherings held at the elite private school his son attends. These events are informal get-togethers for the upper echelon of industrial and political leaders. You will have your child enroll in this school and infiltrate one of the social gatherings. The enrollment deadline is drawing near, meaning you have one week to pull this off.
Loid: You expect me to produce a child within seven days?!
Loid: Ahem. Please excuse me. Message: Operation Strix. This operation is the key to maintaining peace between East and West…and perhaps, the world. Hero who casts no shadow, the great deeds you and your fellow agents do shall never see the light of day. You will never earn any medals nor make it into the papers. Even so…Never forget that everyone else’s day-to-day lives are possible because of your blood, sweat, and tears.
Loid (Thinking): Very well. I abandoned my identity when I became Twilight. I will play the part of a father with a child if I must, for the sake of a better world.
Real Estate Agent: This is one of our single-family apartments. The unit comes furnished, includes central air conditioning and heating, and…Um…Sir?
Loid (Thinking): No wiretaps detected, and there are securable escape routes. Loid: I’ll take it. Real Estate Agent: Excellent, Mr. Forger. Now, if you’d sign these documents…
Loid (Thinking): Loid Forger. Occupation: psychiatrist. That’s my new life. With a family I love and a happy home life… Real Estate Agent: How nice that you and your family are moving into a new home. Do you have a boy or a girl? Loid: Ah, well…I’ll be deciding on that soon. Real Estate Agent: Huh? Loid (Thinking): What an absolute burden for a spy.
Orphanage Owner: Huh? You wanna adopt? Loid: Indeed. I heard that your orphanage was looking for candidates. You see, my wife and I… Orphanage Owner: Yeah, sure. Take whichever one you want. Loid: Eh? Orphanage Owner: Come on in.
Loid (Thinking): What a terrible environment. But the shadier the establishment, the more likely these children have complicated pasts, so it’ll be easier to alter their stories. I can make this mission work if I have a child. I would’ve preferred to handle it all on my own, but I can’t exactly disguise myself as a child, no matter how skilled a spy I am. Loid: Pardon me. If possible, I’d like a child who can read and write. Orphanage Owner: Well, in that case…Hey, Anya.
Orphanage Owner: She’s the smartest one we’ve got. She don’t talk much, but she’s a good kid. Orphanage Owner (Thinking): She’s a creepy, disgusting little brat. I’d be thrilled to get her outta my hair. Orphanage Owner: Go on. Say hello. Loid: Er…Pardon me. Loid (Thinking): If I recall, the earliest age students can enter Eden College is six. She definitely looks no older than four or five.
Anya: Six. Loid: Hm? Anya: I’m six! Orphanage Owner: You’re six years old? Loid (Thinking): But she’s so small…
Loid (Thinking): Hm? The paper?
Loid (Thinking): A crossword puzzle? That’s probably too difficult for a child. Of course, for myself, it’s mere child’s play.
Loid (Thinking): One down is “homeostasis.” One across is “causal closure.” The one below that is “symplectomorphism.”
Loid (Thinking): She completed it? Seriously? Such unbelievable intellect. She should have no problem passing the entrance exam. Loid: I’ll take her. As for the paperwork… Orphanage Owner: Don’t worry about that. Just take her already. Loid (Thinking): My mission to end up with a child is a success. Everything’s going so well that it’s making me nervous. Loid: Are you okay with this?
Anya (Thinking): A spy…mission…So exciting! Narrator: This little girl happened to be a telepath. Test Subject 007. She possessed the ability to read people’s minds. She was unintentionally created in an experiment by a certain organization, and she later fled their facility. She has been wandering around looking for someone to take care of her.
Loid: Now, listen, little girl. Anya: Anya. Loid: Now, listen, Anya. Starting today, you will be my daughter, but if anyone asks, you’ve always been my daughter. Got it? Anya: Yep. Loid: Make sure you address me as “Father.” Anya: Papa! Loid: Very well.
Old Woman: Well, aren’t you a cute little girl? Hello there. Loid: We’re the Forgers. We just moved in today. Anya: I am Anya. I have been Papa’s child for a very long time. Old Woman: Oh? Loid (Thinking): That wasn’t necessary. Loid: Come on, let’s go inside.
Anya: This is Anya’s house? Loid: Yes. Anya: A TV! Loid: Go ahead and turn it on.
TV: Spy Wars, and adventure cartoon! Anya: I like this show. Loid (Thinking): Of all things… TV: A gun with a silencer? Anya: So exciting. TV: You’re a professional! Loid (Thinking): First, I’ll have to gather everything we’ll need. TV: I will be taking back that bomb. Anyone who gets in my way will regret it. Loid (Thinking): And I’ll have to forge an ID for her. Loid: I’m going out for a bit. Just sit there and watch your show. TV: Out of my way!
Anya: An adventure!
Loid: I’m not going on an adventure. I’m just going shopping.
Anya: I want a pistol with a silencer! Loid: Sure. Maybe if we can find one on sale. Loid (Thinking): To be a master spy, one must act normal and never draw attention to themselves. We must do everything we can to look like an ordinary family. Anya: Papa! Save me!
Loid (Thinking): Must you draw attention to yourself? Lady: Now, now. You need to make sure you hold the little one’s hand.
Lady: Here.
Loid (Thinking): Having one hand tied up will make it difficult to prepare for an enemy ambush, but no matter.
Anya (Thinking): An enemy?!
Loid: What are you doing? Anya: Hiding! Loid (Thinking): Did I do anything to make her want to hide from me? Perhaps I held her hand too early. Does she hate me? This isn’t good. I need to maintain a good relationship with her until the end of this mission*
Loid (Thinking): I must know more about this creature. It’s basic diplomacy. Understanding the other party is the first step toward peace. Anya (Thinking): Understanding me will lead to world peace?!
Anya: I like peanuts. And I don’t like carrots. Loid: Uh-huh…
Anya: But I really like crispy bacon from bakenries!
Loid: That’s a “bakery.” They do not sell bacon. Anya: *blushes*
Anya: I’d like this, please. Loid: That costs one dalc. You can’t buy it with a ten-pent coin.
Anya: *blushes*
Loid (Thinking): Is this girl actually stupid? Was the crossword puzzle a fluke? Maybe I can still go back and get another child… Anya: Huh?! *cries* Pwease don’t get rid of me! Loid: What’s gotten into you?!
Woman: What a terrible parent. Anya: *cries* Pwease! I’m a good bargain!
Loid (Thinking): What do I do? Loid: I’ll buy you some peanuts! Just stop crying! Anya: Peanuts!
Anya: Papa, I’m tired. Can’t walk anymore… Loid: Huh?
Loid (Thinking): This isn’t working…I just don’t understand this irrational behavior.
Loid (Thinking): I need some manuals to help me understand it.
Loid: “The key to raising a child is trust.”
Loid: “Rather than scolding them, try to understand things from their perspective.” “Children are not very good at putting how they’re feeling into words…”
Loid: “…so try to understand them more.” So no interrogating them, then?
Loid: Do the parents of the world normally carry out such difficult missions all the time? “Nurture their self-esteem to give them a better future.” “By giving them the ability to think for themselves, their future…” Loid (Thinking): As soon as I’m done with this mission, I’m sending her back to the orphanage. That’s the extent of our relationship.
Anya: Don’t wanna! I don’t wanna study! Loid: I need to know how smart you are for this exam. Anya: I don’t need to study to do any tests. If I just read other people’s… Anya (Thinking): …people’s minds… Loid: Are you planning on cheating? Listen. If you don’t get into this school… Loid (Thinking): …my mission fails. Loid: Fine, then.
Loid: I’m heading out.
Loid: You’re not coming with me today! No matter what. You’re staying home.
Loid: Hey! I told you, you’re not coming!
Loid: You there! Do you really think I don’t see you?
Loid: There!
Loid: There! Anya (Thinking): *blushes* Papa is so good at finding me. It’s so much fun! Loid: *laughs* Try and get out of that! Franky: So that’s why you’re late?
Loid: In the end, I put up a barricade in front of the door and trapped her inside.
Franky: I’m praying that you don’t get reported for child abuse. Loid: Who knows what children are thinking? Their method of always crying to get their way is truly annoying. Franky: Hate to tell you this, Twilight, but crying is their job. More importantly, here’s what you asked for.
Franky: An application, ticket for the exam, and exam questions. I went through hell getting these for you. Loid: Thanks, Franky. I think we can make things work if we have her memorize everything. Franky: Oh, yeah. About your daughter…I dug up some records on her past that the orphanage didn’t have.
Franky: I couldn’t find anything about her birth. No info on her age or parents, either. I could only find information from the last year, but she’s been adopted four times and returned each time. She’s also been to two other orphanages. Loid: “Anya Williams, Anya Levski, Anya Roche”… Franky: *laughingly* She changes names as much as you do. You guys are perfect for each other.
Franky: Eh? Hey, I’m kidding. This is for your mission, right? She may be a kid, but no good’s gonna come out of getting too attached. Loid: Thanks for the concern.
Franky: Hey! Where’s my money?! Damn it…Who knows what spies are thinking, either?
Anya (Thinking): I’m so bored. Spies aren’t like what I thought. I just want to get the bomb back.
Loid (Thinking): I can’t have her messing with my spy equipment, so I’ll lock it up. The cod is 6, 1… Anya (Thinking): …1, 0.
Anya: Bomby-bombs! Bomby-bombs! Bomby-bombs! Bomby-bombs!
Anya: Ooh! Secret messages! Secrets, secrets…
Radio Operator: Boss! We’ve intercepted a new message. Edgar: Is it using the West’s cipher? Radio Operator: No, it’s just plain text. It says…”Twilight here”…Twilight here! This is the frequency used by Western intelligence. Oh, there’s more. “Catch me if you can”…
Edgar: Hurry up and pinpoint where it’s coming from!
Anya: Whew…
Anya: Ah!
Loid: Now that you’ve found out I’m a spy, you’ll have to disappear.
Anya (Thinking): If he finds out I’m a telepath…I’ll have to leave.
Scientist #1: Anya, you mustn’t tell anyone about your power. Scientist #2: It’s time to study now, Anya. Anya: But I wanna draw… Scientist #1: Don’t bother with childish games. We must use your power for the sake of world peace. Anya: *cries* Scientist #1: There’s no time for tears, either. Now, enough playing. Back to studying.
Anya: *cries*
Loid (Thinking): She’d better not have messed up the apartment.
Loid (Thinking): Oh, right. I need to move this. Hmm?
Loid: Who the hell are these guys? Anya!
Loid: Anya!
Loid: Uh?
Loid: She’s been kidnapped? By whoever sent these thugs? But why? I need to find her immediately. Calm down. From the looks of it, I’ve been compromised. I need to get to safety immediately. As for Anya…There are plenty of other children out there. I’ll start things over from square one and…
Edgar: So who the hell is this kid? Could she be Twilight’s? Edgar’s Man #1: No idea. She was in the room where the message came from, so we snatched her just in case. Anya (Thinking): Because of the transmission? Edgar’s Man #1: She was holed up inside the apartment with a barricade out front. Edgar: Why out front? Edgar’s Man #1: Beats me. Edgar: Well, no matter. We might be able to use her as a hostage in order to force Twilight to steal the toupee off of the foreign minister’s head personally. Edgar’s Man #2: Boss, I think we should just give up on the toupee.
Edgar’s Men #3 and #4: ..! Edgar: Transparency is essential in government. Toupees are a no-go. Anya (Thinking): A pistol with a silencer… Edgar: Also, the minister’s a traitor who’s been secretly backing the West.
Edgar: Anyone who advocates for a traitor is also a traitor. Anya (Thinking): A real bad guy… Edgar’s Man #5: Boss! Nguyen and his guys are back from the apartment!
“Nguyen” (Loid): We captured him. Edgar: Well done.
“Nguyen” (Loid): Those weren’t the moves of an amateur. He’s the real deal.
Edgar’s Man #4: Go rest over there. Edgar: Now then, Twilight…
Edgar: Let’s have you return the photographs you stole from me.
Edgar: Nguyen! Edgar’s Men #3, #4, and #6: ..! Edgar’s Man #4: What’s going on?! He was just…
Edgar’s Man #6: The kid’s gone! Edgar: He got me again!
Loid (Thinking): This was a mistake.
Loid (Thinking): I risked everything by waltzing right into enemy territory. I’m a failure as a spy. Anya (Thinking): Papa… Anya: *cries* Pabwaah! Loid: Look, you’re okay. I won’t do anything. You don’t have to be scared. Anya: *cries* Pabwaah! Loid (Thinking): This is exactly why kids suck. I see. I think I figured out why I hate the sound of kids crying so much. Because I end up remembering my own childhood.
Loid (Thinking): No one reached out their hand to save me. I felt alone, in despair, and so powerless that all I could do was cry. I thought I’d abandoned that past, but on a subconscious level, she was reminding me of me. No, actually…
Loid: Listen up, little girl. Anya: Anya. Loid: Listen up, Anya.
Loid: Me and my friends are pro tag players. Whenever we spot someone with potential, we immediately challenge them to a game. Anya (Thinking): Oh. Papa is a liar. Loid: Now, listen. If you go straight down this street and turn right, you’ll find a police station. If you can get this to a police officer, you win the game. Got it?
Loid (Thinking): If you show them this, they’ll put you in a better orphanage. I’m not going to involve a kid in this mission. Anya: Huh? Loid (Thinking): I’ll figure something out and rework the plan. Anya: Pa… Loid: All right, go! Hurry!
Loid (Thinking): I’m a failure as a spy? No. My mistake was putting that little girl in danger to begin with. How could I forget? To create a world where children won’t have to cry…
Loid (Thinking): That’s why I became a spy.
Edgar’s Man #1: Don’t let that bastard get away! Edgar’s Man #4: We’re gonna drag him out here and expose his face to…
Edgar’s Man #1: A trap? When did he… Edgar’s Man #4: What is this? Flour?
Edgar’s Man #6: T…Twilight?! Edgar’s Man #1: Don’t shoot! This whole place will blow!
Edgar: Wha…?
Edgar: You’ve gotta be shitting me.
Loid: Turn around, and I’ll kill you. Edgar: Twilight… Loid: Good day, or perhaps, good evening, Edgar.
Loid: How’s Karen doing? Edgar: How do you know my daughter’s name? Loid: Of course I know. That’s what spies do. I know her height, weight, shoe size, her favorite foods, even how many moles are on her body. Though it’s nothing compared to your record, I know of her criminal activity, too. Edgar: Absurd! My daughter would never… Loid: Edgar. I also know how much you care about your daughter. So listen carefully. If you wish for her to have any semblance of a normal life, you’ll leave me the hell alone.
Loid: If you understand, go home right now.
Loid: Huh?
Loid: Anya. Anya: Papa!
Anya: Papa! Loid: What are you…I mean, what are you doing outside the house? I, uh, just happened to come here to shop, but I guess they went out of business. Anya (Thinking): Papa is a huge liar. Anya: I was playing tag with some old guys. Loid: Oh, I see. Did you have fun? Anya: It was a little scary. I wanna go home. Loid: Huh? Anya: To our home, Papa. Loid: Are you sure? Anya: If you leave me behind, I’m going to cry.
Franky: She’s been adopted four times and returned each time. Loid (Thinking): Anya Williams…Anya Levski…Anya Roche.
Loid: I see. Well, let’s go home, then.
Loid: But that apartment is far too dangerous, so let’s move. I spotted a poisonous snake there yesterday. Anya: I don’t like snakes. Anya (Thinking): Papa is a huge liar…But he’s such a cool liar. Anya: I wanna live in a castle. Loid: We’ll see if one’s listed. Once we get to our new home, you’ve got to study. Anya: Wah! Loid: This time, you just have to memorize all the answers. It’ll be easy.
Proctor: All right, begin!
Loid (Thinking): I’m counting on you, Anya. You can do it.
Anya: …! Children: This is so hard! I don’t know any of these answers! Um…eeny, meeny, miny, moe…Mommy.
Loid (Thinking): K-212…K-212…
Loid: It’s there! You passed! You did it!
Anya: Did I do a good job? Loid: You bet you did! You…
Anya: Papa! Papa! Don’t leave me! Loid (Thinking): I relaxed for a second and all my pent-up exhaustion hit me at once. Anya: Papa! You’re going to make me cry! Loid (Thinking): I…relaxed? Anya: I promise to be a good girl! Just come back to me! Loid (Thinking): What the hell is going on with me?
Anya: Papa died.
Mailman: I’ve got some mail for you!
Mailman: Is this the Forger residence? Anya: I’m Anya Forger. Mailman: Could you give this to your mommy or daddy?
Anya: My mama doesn’t exist. Mailman: Oh, really? I’m sorry… Anya: Papa! The mailman came.
Loid: What do you think you’re doing?! Are you trying to kill me?! Loid (Thinking): I actually fell asleep in front of someone. Unacceptable. I need to get a grip. Anya: Mail!
Loid: Hmm?
Loid: It’s a letter from Eden College. Ngh! Anya: What’s the matter, Papa? Loid: “The second phase of the admission process is a family interview.” “It is mandatory that the applicant attend with both parents.” “Absolutely no exceptions.” Anya: But Mama doesn’t exist.
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